How To Be THE Best Man
Take a look at our tips to be make sure you don’t screw up your best mates wedding.
So your friend has proposed to his missus and asks you to be the best man. “Thanks John/ Mike/ Anthony I’m really honoured” you say to his face while really your thinking “F*** me this is going to take some Herculean effort!”
When it comes to being the best man its important that you tow the line between organized (stag do, helping out guests etc), funny- for the speech but not to the point of being a guffawing buffoon who is the only one laughing at your jokes, and sentimental- after all you’ve known Mike/ John/ Anthony for ages. And he’s trusted you to handle a ridiculously important task.
Read on to make sure you do not f*** it up completely.
Speeches
- Make sure you open up with something nice and nostalgic about him/ his new wife. “I knew they were destined to marry. The first time he saw her he was taken away by her beauty. When we were kids he always ran away from girls but she’s the one who made him stop running.” The ‘ahs’ will be ensured from the crowd. Now everyone will be hanging on your every word, you’ve lulled them into a false sense of security before you hit them with the funny/ dirty anecdotes.
- Never mention exes.
- Short and sweet works a treat. Do not waffle on unnecessarily. Wedding speeches can drag on a bit – yours doesn’t have to. Avoid the waffle…leave that to the grooms crazy Uncle Joe.
- >Avoid getting drunk before you start. It’s fine to have a cheeky whisky or glass of champagne before your speech but that’s the limit. Falling flat on your face at the wedding reception should come later. Much, much later. We’re talking after dinner.
- Whatever you do, try to avoid recycled jokes. Ever watch the show Four Weddings on Living? Probably not but this is a show where brides judge each others weddings. In one episode two best men told the SAME joke. This is lame. Do not rip all of your jokes off the internet. ‘Hilarious’ quips like “Aisle change him” and “There are 3 rings- engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering” are cringe worthy, bad and likely to garner a tumble weed moment.
- Always thank the bridesmaids. First of all it’s expected. Second of all when their best friend is getting married, bridesmaids get all emotional. They may need a little affection. When the ladies get up to dance to Beyonces ‘Single Ladies’ you’ll know who is available. It’s the best mans prerogative to get some wedding action!
- Put it all down on paper. Do not free wheel your speech. Even if you have memorised it (which to be fair you should)- still bring the paper its written on. It will help you keep order and stop you deviating. Its essentially a must ‘cos if you have a little memory lapse your life won’t be worth living. You’ll face the wrath of Mother of the Bride. Enough said.
- Know your audience. Some crowds can take the very crude whilst some are prim and proper. You know your mate and probably know a good clutch of his family and friends, but ask him if generally people will be receptive to a few dirty jokes or if one quip too many will leave Aunt Sally choking on her sparkling wine.
- Make sure you ask the grooms family and friends for funny childhood tales if you didn’t know him way back when. Anecdotes should be a mixture between “When he was six he used to carry his sisters Barbie everywhere so we were a little worried this day might not come” and “When we were at uni he once said marriage was for fools. Changed your mind mate?”
- Never ever say anything rude about the bride. This is just crass. This is the day she has waited for all of her life. Make a not so funny comment about her and this will be the last time you see the groom. And the last time you’ll have complete feeling in your balls.
Follow these tips and hopefully you’ll be well on your way to making sure you give the best, best man’s speech possible.
Organization
- Organise the stag do. Make sure the groom forgets his name but do not leave him in a foreign country with no trousers on.
- Help to keep order amongst the other grooms men.
- Guard the rings like your life depends on it.
- Get to know the chief bridesmaid (especially if she’s single). You are both in charge of making sure everything runs smoothly
- When pictures are being taken make sure crazy Uncle Joe or anyone else does not wander off. The sooner the pics are done the sooner you’ll be at the reception.
- Make sure people know how to get to the reception. Especially old relatives. You might get a dusty Werthers Original for your troubles.
- Organize decoration of the honeymoon suite/ and or the departure car for the bride and groom, with the chief bridesmaid. If your lucky you might get lucky with her during the process
- Make sure the groom doesn’t do a runner.
- Do not encourage the boys to do a hilarious dance routine at the wedding. It rarely works out. Unless the boys are members of Diversity or Flawless.
- Once your speech is done, slowly begin to drink your weight in free booze.
Words by Mary Bello
